Teach your children through consequences, not threats
I say to parents don`t be afraid to say ‘no’ to your children. Don`t be afraid, because the damage is worse if you don’t say ‘no’ to them, if they do something wrong.
This is something that we deal with on the course a lot. You can say anything to anybody with love. And you can say anything to anybody with aggression.
The reason we cannot say things to people with love is because we are very afraid: “I`m afraid in case my child doesn’t love me anymore, so I`m very anxious when I tell them ‘no’, or I tell them off about something they have done and I feel very guilty”. This is the most confusing thing parents can do to their children.
All you need to say to the child is “the consequences of what you have done is this, and the consequences of what you want to do is this.” And the child can see the consequences by themselves, without us doing anything else.
We were brought up to love conditionally. Loving conditionally means that if I tell my child “I will buy you a present only if you are good, only if you do your homework, only, only, only”. We’re going to give it to them anyway. But we’re using these excuses, because we’re trying to control them, because we’ve lost our authority. We’re using the power of control to tell them what we want them to do and drive them with something else.
It is better if you want to give something to your child, don’t make any conditions, just say “I want to give you this, because I love you.”
When you ask your child to do something they will respect and honour your authority as a parent. But if you play games with them “only do this, because of this” you end up breaking your word anyway, because you will give it to them sooner or later, the children will not respect you. It is very important for families, especially children, to learn to respect the parents authority. All of us need guidance, and we need older people to guide us, and to direct us in life. If we don`t have that we grow up like children ourselves, because we become rebellious.
Not many children respect their parents anymore, because their parents cannot keep their word. You can say ‘no’ to your children with love and respect, and your children will respect you. Use consequences, not threats.